I didn’t think I’d ever return to gaming.

For me, gaming started back when the “games” were mostly SkyRoads, Quake III, Aladin, Dave, Super Mario etc. It’s hard not to feel nostalgia for those games, even in today’s age of ultra realistic graphics.

Then life happened and I lost touch with gaming completely for several years and it all seemed like a distant past. But unexpectedly, I returned to gaming after a long pause. I thought I was returning to familiar territory at first, but instead, I felt completely out of place. It seemed like everything about gaming had changed. The mechanics, the effort and time needed to learn or master them over time, the brutal competitive environment, the ‘team playing’ – it was nothing like my childhood where gaming had seemed to be about having fun, being solo and repeating simple mechanics over time.

I experimented with FPS, MOBA & RPG games until I didn’t know what I even liked, but Valorant and WoW were the only ones to stick with me. While WoW did bring a sense of relaxation and fun, FPS became more of a never-ending struggle of trying to improve.

With FPS, I kept wondering what the problem with me was, why the people around me seemed to be in sync with everything while I couldn’t seem to improve despite trying everyday for years. There was some improvement at times, but something seemed to be wrong.

I wondered if things would have been different if I never took all those years off from it. I wondered if I needed some kind of a mentor, but I already had a supportive group of friends who were patient with me and taught me what they could. I even wondered if it was my gender (hard to avoid the thought when dealing with sexist comments from players), until I came across many female gamers and streamers who were actually good.

It’s as if there’s just something about the way my mind works that can’t keep up with the whole environment and I don’t improve in a linear way with time and effort like others do.

I’m still figuring it out. The road is long, and for now, I just want to enjoy the ride.