There should be a badge of honor for surviving Indian matrimony sites – like a “Verified Profile, Mentally Scarred” achievement.

I thought I would fill out a few details, add a picture, talk to a few suitable people and find a match. Instead, it turned out to be a caste-n-salary competition with vague declarations like “looking for simple girl with modern values and traditional mindset” i.e. a unicorn in a saree. The system asked for height in centimeters, salary in lacs, and caste, but sadly no field for “Can hold a basic conversation?”

Some bios were more like resumes. “Working as Senior Software Engineer at reputed MNC. Assets include flat in Pune and ancestral land”. Not sure if you are proposing marriage or trying to sell shares? Other times I thought someone was roleplaying as an HR recruiter: Hello Roohani, your profile matches our requirement. Please revert with horoscope and recent photograph. Regards, Family.

At first, I used to feel hopeful when a message came through that sounded… normal, approachable, maybe even respectful. But talking to some of them was like unwrapping a gift only to find a loudspeaker set to Monologue Mode. They didn’t ask questions but delivered lectures.

One told me about his entire life history for hours which sounded more like a rant than conversation. Some said I must give up non-veg before marriage. Another opened with “I’m looking for someone who respects elders, doesn’t argue, and can manage home responsibilities without drama.” Some were unable to grasp the idea of me living alone. Some tried to impose things like “you have to keep meeting my relatives even if I can’t”. Somewhere between “tell me about your family” and “I don’t believe in girls working after marriage” I realised that the nice message was just bait for an audition for a role I never applied for.

The issue is not that they had expectations – everyone does, even I do. But I had already tried my best to convey what I want or don’t want on my profiles, and they either didn’t read it or thought they could talk me out of it.

I mentioned my preferences on the profiles, like: I’m not traditional, I want to continue working, I am non vegetarian, I don’t want children, I live alone in the house I own and want to continue staying in it, I don’t like cooking, I don’t want to live with family members, etc. If they didn’t accept it they could ignore me and continue their search. Instead, why still message me and then be like: “You really don’t live with parents?” [Judgment Loading]. “You won’t cook or have kids?” [System Error: Traditional Expectations Not Found]. Or some version of, “Your personality isn’t what I’m normally used to?” [Initiate Mocking Sequence].

Then there were those who were really just looking for casual partners or friends with benefits. Maybe they confused this platform with a dating site?

After months of decoding code words for caste, being filtered out for eating eggs, and talking to so many incompatible people, I finally accepted something: I’d rather find someone organically – someone I get to know in the normal course of my life, who’d be more likely to understand me or my preferences; someone that I could understand & respect as well. I know that may never happen but I guess it’s okay and not the end of the world.

At least now I know that these matrimony sites are not the answer.