I have a general confidence problem with most things other than my career by this point. So many of my hobbies have been buried under the weight of my chronic self-doubt. Recently, I tried to take some baby steps – tried to look at myself in the mirror recently and move my arms & legs with a dance number playing in the background. But due to my inconsistency with such attempts i.e. once in several months, the end result is usually that my fears become even stronger.

As a child, I would go to classical dance classes, try to copy dance moves from the television and practice them with my friends, participate in every school annual function and be otherwise very enthusiastic about dance. I was rarely worried about things like being ‘good enough’ or being ‘ashamed’ of any mistakes to the point of avoiding this activity completely. It was all so natural, easy…. Until somewhere along the line I became the brand ambassador of how to voluntarily stay in a prison. The more I hid myself and reduced my attempts to even try, the worse my fear became.

When I look at the few performance videos from my teenage, I can barely identify with myself. How could I, the same person, have turned into this paralysed version who gives up hopelessly even before making an attempt? (Unless there is vodka involved)

While I can’t go back in time to retrieve that version of my carefree brain, maybe I can at least un-learn whatever doesn’t belong to me and kind of ‘reset’ myself.

So do I think I can “still” dance? No.. But can I start over and be a beginner once again at something which once defined me as a person? Also No.. But will this ever change? …Maybe.